Unfolding

October 25, 2011

Layers of weight
pull down
on a chipped-enamel sky
flakes unfocussed
the naked mind mine
thoughts fall
to clothe
a blush
a rush of immediacy
unbecoming
words drift heavy
on a trembling tongue
I taste lead
in my mouth
and trust
spitting sound into the freshly-fallen snow
I know
will be there
tomorrow.

(part of Open Link Night week 15 – http://dversepoets.com )

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24 Responses to “Unfolding”

  1. nice…like the rhyme and wordplay…mind mine….and the weight on the sky…snow…i hear there may be some soon enough here..spit the words, the elements will figure it out…..

  2. Wow… I felt like I was slipping down with your words… very effective piece.

  3. claudia said

    i also like rhyme, wordplay and how this poem “falls” into the reader…
    spitting sound into the freshly-fallen snow…a great image

  4. A haunting pain in this one like the speaker is preparing to endure. We’re going to get more than a foot of snow overnight so maybe it’s the ‘mind mine’ I’m dealing with.

  5. Heaven said

    lovely images and form.. beautiful as always ~

  6. ladynimue said

    I taste lead .. that was a strong line for me.. possibilities abound 🙂

  7. tashtoo said

    This was indeed a fast paced run down….word play, rhyme, rhythm…a frantic all be it an enjoyable read! Beware the forced we don’t control…poor Anna expecting a foot of snow!

  8. ‘chipped-enamel sky’ is lovely, as is ‘thoughts fall, to clothe, a blush, a rush of immediacy, unbecoming’ – a deep thoughtful write, as deep as the ‘snow’ that will ‘be there’

  9. I feel just a bit stupid. I really like this. I felt it. And I love poems that are spare in words. So, I really like this but I cannot quite articulate why …

  10. hobgoblin2011 said

    Love the tone and mood throughout the piece. Lots of little lines which performed their function perfectly here. Thanks

  11. Love the poem but the thought of the pain lingering into tomorrow is sorrowful. Your rhyme and wordplay are masterful and the visual flow draws the reader deeper into the emotion, tugs at them.

    Beth

  12. the word bar said

    The lines,
    “I taste lead
    in my mouth
    and trust” are perfection..

    really well constructed poem
    lynne

  13. so beautiful as always your work is amazing such images and such flow to your words
    http://gatelesspassage.com/2011/10/25/the-groom-of-the-dead-bride/

  14. libraryscene said

    Most interesting, the weight of this considering the brevity; mark of a good write. The flow is wonderful, enjoyed how you made us linger, slow down, within the snow line — nice pause. Much enjoyed ~

  15. Loved the image of the chipped enamel sky spraying down flakes from the weight of layers. You always have a unique way with your words.

  16. apoetryman said

    What a beautiful and engrossing poem that just grabs you and drags you in

  17. siubhan said

    something in the tone here really resonates with me, where i am right now. i’m almost afraid to try to articulate it. you do minimalism so well, Peter.

  18. Percy@dreamhopewrite said

    Great word play here along with great rhythm and flow… A nice piece!

  19. …I taste lead
    in my mouth
    and trust … …the naked mind mine…

    My favourite words, but all are amazing. Your beginning lines always pull me in and I look forward to each journey. Very nicely done : )
    -Eva

  20. ayala said

    Love the image of the chipped enamel sky….. Beautiful !

  21. Morning said

    love this one, very deep and elegant wording….

    feel free to share with our poetry picnic tomorrow, starting 2pm,

    http://gooseberrygoespoetic.blogspot.com/

    bless your talent.

  22. zumpoems said

    Love these images including chipped enamel sky!

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